Do me a favour?

As most of you know, I’ve tried my hand at writing a book or two, and published them on Kindle.  The problem is, I’m lousy at the commercial side of things – mostly because I hate the things you have to do.

I won’t create a facebook page, tweet identity, myspace, or whatever to promote my books.  I won’t trawl websites looking for places to drop hints, or promote my books.  I won’t… oh, you get the point.

With Amazon and Kindle, this is a small problem.  The more people who download your books, the more popular you become – and the more they will promote you.  The big names, for instance, are always on the first page you see. 

It makes sense, I know.  But it creates a problem for all new writers: you have to break through the barrier to stand a chance of breaking through the barrier.

Well.  Last night, I managed to get one of my books, Genesis, included in the ‘free’ section.  For the next four days, anybody, anywhere, can download a copy for absolutely nothing.  Normally, this sort of promotion costs the writer: we have to pay for the download.

That’s the favour.  Go to Amazon.co.uk (or amazon.com), navigate to the Kindle books section, do a search for ‘Keith Bartholomew’, and download the book.  If you have a Kindle, fantastic!  If you don’t have a Kindle, no worries – if you look just under the ‘Buy now’ button, there’s a clickable link that says ‘Available on your PC.”  Use that and you can download a Kindle reader for your computer.

In the twelve hours since making the book available, I’ve had 32 copies downloaded – one in Germany – but I’d really love to get the number up into the hundred plus region.  Maybe then, people will risk paying for the other two that are available. :)

Don’t feel you have to read the book…  But if you do, please post a review on Amazon.   (Crosses fingers for ‘good’ reviews.)

Battle Royal

“What happened to our food?”

Targus threw my shield at me, and snarled his non-answer.

“We’ve almost caught them – they’re just over that hill.”

A cold dawn, colder as we had camped late and made no fires, was now much worse: the food had still not managed to catch up with us.

We had been chasing the Pretender for days now, and with every day the supply train had fallen farther behind.

I was starving. 

All around me was the noise of war: horses snickered as they were mounted; swords rattled in scabbards and armour creaked, clattered and jangled; spears knocked against shields; and my stomach rumbled.  I checked to see if I was observed, and pulled a black and green lump from its hiding place in the boss of my shield.

Ignoring the insects on it, I broke off a small piece and placed it in my mouth.  The bread softened slowly as my spit soaked in, and after just a few minutes I was able to chew it enough to extract a little flavour.  Then I swallowed it, and treated myself to a second piece.

By now, I was in place among my comrades.  We were the shield line, defence against a cavalry charge or foot assault.  Ahead of us was the cavalry, ready to make a quick sortie against the enemy or a quick retreat behind our lines.  Ahead of them were the skirmishers, sword bearers eager to prove their insanity against the foe.

Behind us, of course, were the commanders.  Our main task was to defend them.

We were moving forward in the half dark, into a ravine that was making the commanders nervous.  There appeared to be no path to the top of the ravine, but there may be one ahead of us – so the enemy could have men above us, even now.

The commanders stopped.  Word was passed forward that their position gave them a perfect viewpoint, and that they would move forward when the enemy was no longer in sight.

The shield line stopped, too.  We were not allowed to move too far from the command post. 

I looked around.  Where I was standing, the path was at its highest, having risen over the last league or so.  From here, it slowly dropped as it narrowed, to the point where I could see the enemy.  Ignoring all the rules of etiquette, I took a look behind me at the commanders.  I had to look downhill to see them, too.  For a moment, I wondered how they could have a perfect viewpoint from there, then realised that being on horseback gave them a higher position: obviously, they could see over our heads.

I looked to the front again, just in time to see the last horses disappear from view, and a small cluster of swordsmen embracing each other before they entered the narrow gap, too.

Wait… not all of them.  One remained.  One lone swordsman stood in the gap, his sword unsheathed, the point of the blade resting on the stony ground before him.

Our advance ground to a halt, as cavalry and skirmishers both waited for the other to move forward, then a cavalry officer spurred his horse back through our shield wall to confer with the commanders, followed by a skirmisher who was gasping for breath before he even reached us. 

By the time the skirmisher reached the commanders, the cavalry officer had returned to his unit, and the cavalry withdrew, leaving the field open for the skirmishers. 

I heard the skirmisher returning, moving slowly, every inhale a desperate wheeze for oxygen – every exhale a curse against cavalry officers.  My comrades patted his back as he passed, and I took the opportunity to slip another piece of bread into my mouth.

The sun hit me in the face, warming me a little, as the skirmishers prepared to attack.

The gap in the ravine was so narrow that the cavalry would have to approach single file, and even the skirmishers would be in each other’s way if they attacked by twos – so they sent their best man in first.  He approached slowly, cautiously, and paused when he was just outside sword range – challenging the lone swordsman to attack.

I wasn’t close enough to witness what happened then, but the story is well-known, and I feel free to report it here as if I saw it in person.  I did see it, but at a distance.

The swordsman lifted his sword just as the sun poured through the gap, outlining him in golden light.  He closed his eyes for just a second, and spoke:

“What a beautiful place to die.”

Then he swung his sword, parrying the attack from the skirmisher who had thought to take advantage of his opponents closed eyes.

One by one the skirmishers attacked. One by one the skirmishers fell.  The bodies piled up before the swordsman,  creating an obstacle the skirmishers had to cross to attack – but one that also blocked the swordsman view.  He was forced to move back with every kill.  Just one step, but a retreat all the same. 

Eventually, he had retreated so far through the gap that it was no longer a gap: the skirmishers could attack by twos.  He held out a little longer, but finally he fell, and the road ahead was clear.  We could resume our chase of the pretender to the throne.  Or did we serve the pretender?  I forget.

As we cleared the bodies from the path, and lit our campfires for the night, I felt an overwhelming gratitude to that lone swordsman: not only had his sacrifice given his friends time to escape – it had also given the supplies time to catch up.

Food!  At last!

Poker faced

What seems to be a growth sector lately is online gambling.  Everywhere I look, I see adverts for bingo, betting, or poker.  And every time I see an advert, I ask myself what sort of idiot is taken in by it?

Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against gambling.  I have, at various periods in my life, indulged in virtually every form.  My partner and I used to spend our Saturdays with a Racing Post, picking our horses and placing our bets; and I really love a good game of Poker when I get the chance. Read more…

Captcha my attention

I’ve run websites, blogs, forums, etc for many years now, and I’ve had a lot of problems with abuse.  (No, not visitors to my site calling me names!)

When a website has the facility for user input, scum will abuse it: if you allow ‘anonymous’ posting, you will see countless adverts, for instance. 
Many programs exist to enable this abuse, programs that will trawl the web looking for an ‘open’ site, on which it will excrete it’s garbage before sliming on to the next site.  Read more…

What IS Spam?

A simple question, but a very complicated answer.  And the answer depends on who you ask.

According to dictionary.com SPAM is ‘disruptive messages, especially commercial messages posted on a computer network or sent as e-mail.’ or ‘unsolicited electronic mail or text messages.’  No arguing with that, really, is there?

Well, there is. 

Read more…

World view

I’ve mentioned before that I play internet games, chiefly Lord of the Rings online.  For the past week, I’ve been trying out one called Age of Conan.  This post is based on events in both games, and other games as well – the game involved makes little difference to the way people act, though.

Todays post is about these games, and how they reflect on life in general.

Read more…

Re-collection

We received a letter from our local Council today – not a very long letter, and it’s been sent to every house in the area.  It reads as follows:

We are changing your recycling collection day.

We are replacing most of our recycling lorries with newer, more efficient vehicles.  This means we can collect recycling from more houses on each collection round, saving costs and reducing vehicle emissions.

The back of the letter is the new schedule for collections.

All sounds good, doesn’t it?

Read more…

Busy busy busy

Last year was pretty busy for us, and we’re only just getting back to ‘normal’.  Consider that my apology for not posting as often as I would like.

We’ll start with celebrations: My partner and I had our 25th wedding anniversary; my parents had their 60th anniversary;  both my parents had their 80th birthday; I saw my son after a long seperation; and I met my daughter-in-law and grandkids for the first time.  All but one of these involved a long drive; the exception was our 25th party, which involved a lot of work.  For the 60th, it involved a week away.

When you consider that the year before that, my attending a christening was a BIG event, the first time in years I’d spent so much as a whole day away from home – you can see that every one of those celebrations, while being wonderful, represented a mammoth upheaval for us.

On top of that, we’ve had some work done on our home.  Some of it has already been blogged about, but not all of it.

Remember, we live in sheltered housing: a tiny bungalow rented from the local authourity.  Of all the work done, the only bit we paid for was a little decorating – and I did the work on that myself.

Also bear in mind that it wasn’t much more than a year ago that our Council was telling us they had no money for repairs.

OK.  Last year, the Council repainted the outside of all the homes on the street - they fitted new kitchens in all the homes, too.  We had solar panels fitted to our roof, so we benefit from ‘free’ electricity when the sun is shining.  And we finally got our bathroom done, after six years of waiting.

I think that was everything…

Looking back at last year, I find myself wondering how I fit it all in!

We are now in the position of very nearly been straight again.  I’ve tidied up the mess left in the bathroom. (They nailed four by two wood through the existing tiles, then fixed panels to it that look like tiles.  Only they left one and an eighth tiles sticking out the side.  It looked awful, but there was no way to remove the tiles, so I had to fix new tiles next to it, finishing the wall off.)

Then I papered the other walls, painted the ceiling, walls, and woodwork, and fitted towel rails, toilet roll holders, etc.  While I had the paint and tools out, I did the small hallway, too.

Only job left is to fit a new carpet in the hallway.  I was lucky to get an offcut for a pittance, so not too much money has been spent.  I started that job this morning, but stopped after only a short time: I made one cut, to make the offcut just a little longer than the space it was to fit in.  Ten minutes, at most, with the scissors – and in that time I worked up and burst a blister on my finger.  No way am I going to cut the carpet like that again!

I need to get a knive for the job, so it’ll be a day or two before I get round to it, now.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to go fishing this year.

Confusion

I believe myself to be a good(ish) person.  I don’t lie, cheat, steal, kill or covet my neighbours ass.

I was brought up ‘right.’  My parents taught me… Hold on… My parents tried to teach me right from wrong, and now all these years later, I find myself living by a moral code.

Why?

If you watch ‘The Apprentice’, or study how business works, you’ll realise that ‘business’ = dishonesty.  The bigger the business, the more dishonest.

Think about it.  Big businesses are the ones who contribute to election costs – and they always get changes in the law that benefit them.  The banks, for instance, got laws passed that enabled them to take stupid risks with your money.  And what happened when it went wrong?  The government gave them more of your money!

When things go wrong, big business will always be heard to say that they ‘operated within legal guidelines.’  True.  Legal guidelines that they set up, giving them permission to lie up to a point.  I’ve said this before: if they need a legal department to approve their script before they use it, they must be getting as close as possible to breaking the law as they can.

Why can’t they just use common sense?  ‘Will this product make my carpet like new?’  ’No,  madam, it’s a dishwasher.’  Hardly rocket science, is it?  But their guidelines would enable them to ‘suggest’ that the carpet would be cleaner.

Seriously, though.  All they have to do is tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  Only they won’t, because they won’t make as much profit that way.

Sorry, I’m drifting away from the point.

Businesses in general are not ‘good.’  Governments are not ‘good.’  Religion, even: when a religion tells you that greed and lust are bad, then you hear that a priest who lives a life of luxury in a mansion has been found guilty of molesting children – and the church not only pays to keep it quiet, but promotes the priest concerned….  That does not fit any category to which the label ‘good’ can be attached.

So… We have our deity telling us to be good.  We have our Government telling us to be good.  We have schools training our children to be good.  We have a vast industry producing books, films, and propoganda exorting us to be good.

The whole world is trying to make us be good.  To not lie, cheat, steal, etc.

And you know why? 

So that priests, politicians, and businessmen can walk all over us!

Dance

The reception was in full swing, and I watched as the bride pranced around the dance floor from which I had been banned.

“Sarah dear, we simply can’t have my guests laughing at you, not at my wedding. Please promise me you’ll stay away from the dance floor?”

Alison had always had a weight problem.  Not that she was overweight, oh no, no. No, she was the original size zero, always had been.  No, the problem she had was with my weight.  Ever since we had moved in next door, Alison had been trying to ‘help’ me with my weight.  Diets, exercise regimes, videos, stomach staples – Alison had tried the lot without success: My size only ever increased.

Alison worried about my health, my weight, my love life, everything. 

God, she annoyed me!

So here I was, at her wedding.  Not a bridesmaid, of course – that post was reserved for her equally paper-thin cronies – but Matron of Honour.  Matron of Honour?  Me? 

I glanced across the room, to the other side of the dance floor, and saw a smiling Dawn give me a little wave.  Size thirty, like me, Dawn loved a good party – though she, too, was banned from the dance floor.  Scanning the room, I caught the eye of several other dance floor personae non grata.  Alison, over the years, had gathered together a whole tribe of us, all of whom had had the benefit of her ‘help.’

A scream of laughter from the dance floor grabbed my attention, and I looked to see a freely perspiring and seriously out of breath Davina stagger to her table for a restorative.  She’d managed two whole dances this time, bless her.  Still, when you’re that thin,  you have nowhere to keep a spare battery. 

Alison’s gang were now reduced to simply swaying to the music, supporting each other as they did so.

Time.  Time to do this.  I stood up, and waddled to the dance floor as the first strains of ‘Macarena’ filled the room.

At the edge of the arena, I paused, just for a moment, and checked my surroundings – then I launched into the dance.

Alison never knew what hit her, as six very large, very driven ladies executed a flawlessly synchronised Macarena, followed by the twist, the chicken song, and a can-can in quick succession.  For the rest of the evening, I danced rings around Alison, Davina, et al.  Oh, they tried to keep up with us, but our dance troupe had been rehearsing for years, and we were at the top of our game.

I may be on the large side, but that doesn’t mean I’m unfit, or unhealthy – it just means I’m large.  Oh, and happy.


I make no apologies for this (or, indeed, my last) post.  Sometimes, something I see or hear causes an idea for a short story to pop up in my mind – so I give them a little space to grow.

As it happens, I had two such ‘pop-ups’ in close succession, so you got two slightly comic observation pieces.  You may get another one soon, you may not see another for a long time – there’s no way of knowing.

Just enjoy (or not) when you do get them.




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