The unready

A quick recap for those who are new here: my partner passed away in January of this year, after what can only be described as a long sequence of illnesses.  There were multiple conditions over the years, and I spent the last 15-20 years as my partners carer.
Since losing my partner, (and I know how this sounds) I have begun to enjoy life, found a job, bought a new car, and signed up on a dating website.

Life is now good(ish).

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Home straight

I know, I haven’t posted anything in a month – I’m afraid I haven’t had the time.   In two days time I will have been employed for four weeks, and I’ve been working hard.

My contract is only for 17 hours a week, but I’ve been averaging double that, and… well… let’s be honest, here – I’m not used to working, at all!
Caring is a full-time thing, yes, and it can be very hard work at times – but you almost always have the option of saying ‘I’ll do that later.’  You rarely have to set an alarm, you just get up when you wake up – and then wait for your caree to wake up and need something.

Now, I have to be at work by a set time, and I have to stay there until my work is done!  Can you imagine that?  No more doing what I feel when I feel, oh no.  No, I have to do what I’m told, the way I’m told, when I’m told…

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No apologies

No posts for a while, I’m afraid, and no idea when there will be a new one.

I’m not apologising, just letting you know.

More than once, I’ve sat down and started writing – but it just ends up depressing me even more, and would read like a suicide note.

When I lost my partner, my brain died, too.  I’m unable to hold a thought for long, and usually just end up thinking about what I’ve lost.

So… I’ll post when I can.  Maybe.

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Just a few words

I’d like to start this post by saying, without apology, that my posts for the foreseeable future will almost certainly all relate to the loss of my partner in some way.
I was married to my partner for more than half my life – and I was a child for a large part of the half that we weren’t married – so I’ve not only lost a partner, I’ve lost my best friend, my lover, my companion, my opponent in many arguments…  I have lost a very, very large part of my life.

And it hurts.

So, I make no apology for the fact that my loss is on my mind a lot.

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It’s hard

My apologies for not posting for a while – I have a good excuse, honest…

My regular readers, and my family and friends, all know that I’ve been the carer for my disabled partner for many years.
In the latter half of last year, my partner’s condition reached the point that I was totally unwilling to leave them alone.  I already had a sitting service giving me a little time off, and I had been willing to leave my partner for an hour or so, providing we made certain preparations.

However, when my partner passed out after using the commode, I realised the time had come for me to become housebound.

A couple of weeks ago, my partner wouldn’t wake up.

I went into the room early in the morning with a cup of tea, and when my partner didn’t wake, I kindly decided that another half-hour wouldn’t hurt…
It was a diabetic attack, and it caused hypothermia, too.  The ambulance ‘men’ were able to wake my partner with a glucose drip, but they were unable to stabilise the blood sugar level – so my partner went to hospital, cursing me every step of the way.

There were two ambulances, and they were at the house for two and a half hours.

The blood sugar and core body temperature were stabilised quickly, but other problems popped up, the major one being Pneumonia.

For two weeks, I had a  lovely roller-coaster ride, as every time I enquired about my partners health, it was either very good, or very bad.  And they alternated.  I never got two the same on consecutive calls.

Family members managed to make arrangements to visit, thankfully: my partners daughter last Thursday, and brother and sister on Saturday.  I got a call on Friday morning, however, that caused me to rush to the hospital hungry and dirty.  I had planned to have breakfast, followed by a shower – I finally got some food at 9PM.

All day Friday I sat with my partner, coming home only because the poor dog had been locked in his cage all day.

Saturday, I was at the hospital early, with keys hidden outside the house for a friend to collect so they could keep the dog alive.  My brother in law arrived, with his wife, and we spent all day wondering what on earth we could say to each other.
We never stopped talking, though.  Strangely.

My partner’s sister managed to get in for ten minutes at the end of visiting hours, and promised to come back.

I then prepared myself for the night watch.

I had a chair next to the bed, and I pinched a couple of pillows for comfort, then I sat next to the bed holding my partners hand and stared  at their face.

I drifted, I know I did.  I nodded off.  Many, many times.

Between 11PM and midnight I know I nodded off at least twenty times.  And every time I opened my eyes, I would be looking at my partner, watching for the next breath.

At midnight, I opened my eyes again, and I knew the best thing to ever happen to me was over.  My partner was gone.

That was midnight Saturday/Sunday.  And apparently it is now Wednesday?  If you tell me I’m wrong about that, I won’t argue…

I’m amazed at the love and support I’m seeing – even the dentist’s receptionist cried when I told her!  My partner, it seems, was universally loved.  Which is nice, but you have to ask how come I was the only one who looked after them, don’t you.  (Sorry, that was wicked.)

Every day, I try to laugh at something.  And that might get me into trouble…  When the funeral director asked if there was any reason why a coroner should be involved, I replied ‘no, it was an untraceable poison.’

My partner has made me laugh, too.  Yesterday, I dug out our wedding certificate – and realised that our Silver Wedding party was a year early!
(We always promised each other we’d get to Silver – and I suspect my partner was worried about making it, so ‘made a mistake’ for my sake.)

I’ll try to start making more regular posts, but… I’ve got to think about getting a job.

Can anybody think of an ideal occupation for an opinionated, principled, socially-challenged loner who is never wrong, and never afraid to point out how stupid the boss is?

I’d like to work from home, for the dog.  I’d like to write, or have something involving computers – but I’d have to able to write what I wanted and thought, and I would refuse to touch Windows 8, or any task that involved adding strangers to a mailing list, website optimising, or pop-ups/cookies.

Should be easy enough.  I’ll let you know tomorrow what I’ve been offered…

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The choir isn’t listening

As my readers should already be aware, I’m the carer for my disabled partner, who suffers from various annoyances ranging from joint pain to diabetes, and apart from a cocktail of drugs they are on four litres of oxygen full time.

I make use of a sitting service to get time off, but would happily (almost) leave my partner home alone while I walked the dog, or did the shopping.  Provided they ‘toileted’ before I left, and promised not to leave their chair, I could leave them for an hour or two.  (Of course, I make sure my mobile is charged, and I can drop everything and be home in minutes…)

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Just silly

My partner, today, went into hospital to have some teeth out.  What would be a short visit to the dentist for most people is a major problem for us – the task had to be performed in an operating theatre, with a full supporting cast, thanks to the many and varied ailments my partner enjoys.

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Take your medicine

At the end of this month our Doctors surgery will close it’s dedicated prescription line.  We will no longer be able to request a repeat prescription over the telephone.

Instead, they say, we should put in our request online…

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Mutter mutter…

I’m not angry today, but I am disappointed.

We’ve just had family to stay.  A young lady and her boyfriend.  Well, I say ‘to stay’ – what I mean is that our 15 year old grand-daugher slept at our house, and the 18 year old boyfriend slept in a B&B we booked and paid for.

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Ignorance, or stupidity?

This is a question I’m finding myself asking a lot, lately.  Are they stupid, or are they ignorant?

I touched on it  a few posts back, when I talked about the ‘I’m only…’ crowd – and I know we all fit that heading from time to time.  My own dear papa admitted as much himself.  But…

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