In my last post, I told you I wasn’t ready to move on – that I wanted my old partner back.
Life has a habit of sneaking up on you.
I also told you about the date that never happened, because the other party was ‘unwell’ and cancelled.
You just never know, do you
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The unready
A quick recap for those who are new here: my partner passed away in January of this year, after what can only be described as a long sequence of illnesses. There were multiple conditions over the years, and I spent the last 15-20 years as my partners carer.
Since losing my partner, (and I know how this sounds) I have begun to enjoy life, found a job, bought a new car, and signed up on a dating website.
Life is now good(ish).
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Home straight
I know, I haven’t posted anything in a month – I’m afraid I haven’t had the time.  In two days time I will have been employed for four weeks, and I’ve been working hard.
My contract is only for 17 hours a week, but I’ve been averaging double that, and… well… let’s be honest, here – I’m not used to working, at all!
Caring is a full-time thing, yes, and it can be very hard work at times – but you almost always have the option of saying ‘I’ll do that later.’Â You rarely have to set an alarm, you just get up when you wake up – and then wait for your caree to wake up and need something.
Now, I have to be at work by a set time, and I have to stay there until my work is done! Can you imagine that? No more doing what I feel when I feel, oh no. No, I have to do what I’m told, the way I’m told, when I’m told…
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Around the corner
I make no secret of the fact that the last few months have been… bad.
I’ve had little or no energy to do anything.  Strangely, the first month or so after losing my partner were easier than the last three – which I can only guess is because it hadn’t really sunk in.
Looking back, now, I can only remember a tiny part of those days…
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No apologies
No posts for a while, I’m afraid, and no idea when there will be a new one.
I’m not apologising, just letting you know.
More than once, I’ve sat down and started writing – but it just ends up depressing me even more, and would read like a suicide note.
When I lost my partner, my brain died, too. I’m unable to hold a thought for long, and usually just end up thinking about what I’ve lost.
So… I’ll post when I can. Maybe.
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I can only call it greed
As I might have mentioned before, my partner passed away recently. At the cremation, there was a collection box, as my partner’s wish was for donations to a particular charity rather than flowers.
Last week, I got a letter from the funeral directors, telling me that a donation had been made in my partner’s name to that charity. Nice, my partner would have been happy.
I won’t say how much it was, as it’s not important.
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What a memorial!
As I’ve mentioned, my partner recently passed away, and was cremated just under two weeks ago.
Today, I got a nice letter from the crematorium…
At least it didn’t start with the almost obligatory condolencies.  No, it just jumped right in to telling me about the options available.
There is the ‘book of memory,’ a granite tablet at the edge of the garden of remembrance, or a bronze plaque on a memorial wall.
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Just a few words
I’d like to start this post by saying, without apology, that my posts for the foreseeable future will almost certainly all relate to the loss of my partner in some way.
I was married to my partner for more than half my life – and I was a child for a large part of the half that we weren’t married – so I’ve not only lost a partner, I’ve lost my best friend, my lover, my companion, my opponent in many arguments…Â I have lost a very, very large part of my life.
And it hurts.
So, I make no apology for the fact that my loss is on my mind a lot.
