The unready

A quick recap for those who are new here: my partner passed away in January of this year, after what can only be described as a long sequence of illnesses.  There were multiple conditions over the years, and I spent the last 15-20 years as my partners carer.
Since losing my partner, (and I know how this sounds) I have begun to enjoy life, found a job, bought a new car, and signed up on a dating website.

Life is now good(ish).

Now the update.

I’ve looked and looked at potential dates on the website, and rejected every one of them.  One or two have contacted me, and I’ve been pleasant enough to them, while spurning their advances.
There is always a good reason for the rejection: they’re too far away; they’re too much like my partner; they’re not enough like my partner; they’re too young; they’re too old…  I can find a reason every time.

There was one who got through.  Too old, too far away, and no car – but I was too weak to reject them, so I arranged a date.  They cancelled, the day before, because they were ‘ill’ – and said we’d keep in touch.  I’ve not heard anything since.

But, today, walking the dog and talking to myself (and my partner) I realised something.

I was thinking about what I wanted, and I finally worked out exactly what that is:  I want to meet my partner again, exactly as they were when we first met.

I want to go through it all again.  And I mean all.  Even knowing what is to come – the illness, the disability, the heartache, and the loss.  Even knowing that, I want what I had before.

Guess I’ll stop looking for a date, for a while, then…

I’m just not ready yet.

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