Hell desk

Ring… ring…

Hello?
My printer won’t work.
OK… is the printer turned on?
Yes.
Is it connected to the computer?
Yes.
When you tell it to print something, what happens?
Nothing.
Nothing?  It doesn’t make a noise, or try to print, or put a message on the screen.  It just acts as if you never told it to print?
Yes.
OK… Bottom right hand corner of the screen, next to the clock, there should be an icon for the printer.
I can’t find it.
You might have to click on a little arrow to show more icons.
Where?
By the clock, to the left of the clock and the icons.
I can’t find the clock!
Can you see the taskbar?
What’s a taskbar?
That’s the bar across the bottom of the screen – it has the ‘start’ button on it.
I don’t have a bar…
Move the mouse pointer to the bottom of the screen.
Oh!  I’ve got a bar there!
Now, can you see the clock?
No.  Oh, yes, there it is.  What did you want me to do with the clock?
Nothing.
How do I get rid of this calendar?
Calend…?  Oh, click on the clock again.
I thought you didn’t want me to do anything with the clock.
I don’t.
But you just told me to click on it!
Yes, because you already clicked on it.
Because you told me to!
No, I didn’t.
You did, you just said ‘click on the clock’!
You clicked on the clock, and opened the calendar, then asked me how to get rid of the calendar so I told you to click on the clock AGAIN to get rid of it.
So you want me to click on the clock?
No.
So how do I get rid of the calendar?

Hello?
Because you clicked on the clock when you shouldn’t have done, I now want you to click on the clock to undo what you did by mistake.
So do you want me to click on the clock or not?
YES!
Right.  Now I’ve got a calendar again.
Think of the clock like a switch.  You click on it, and the calender is either on or off – like a light.  Do whatever the hell you have to do to turn the bloody calendar off!
So click on the clock?
Is the calendar on the screen?
Yes.
Then click on the clock to get rid of it.
It’s gone.
Good.  Now, to the left of…
So I can get the calendar back by clicking on the clock?
Yes.  Moving on… to the left of..
That’s handy.  Didn’t even know I had a clock on here, never mind a calendar.
Yes.  Very handy.  Now, to the le…
Are there other handy things like that on here?
Yes.  Lots of them.
Like what?
A good drawing program, basic word processor, calculator, DVD-player, Mu…
There’s a calculator?  Thats handy, where is it?
You’re paying a pound a minute for this call, and you want me to tell you how to find a basic program? 
How much?
A pound a minute.
So why are you wasting time telling me how to use the clock?
I wasn’t telling you how to use the clock, I was trying to get you to look to the left of the clock to find the printer icon!
Why didn’t you say that?
I di… (deep breath) Can you see the printer icon?
What printer icon?
The one to the left of the clock.
I can’t see the clock anymore.
Move the mouse to the bottom of the screen.
OH!  There it is!
Right-click on the icon.
What icon?
The printer icon.
I can’t see it.
You just said you’d found it!
No, I said the clock was back.  Where is this icon?
To the left of the clock.  You may need to click on a little arrow to see it.
No icon there.  I’ve got one that looks like loudspeaker, then one that looks like two squares on top of one another, then one..
Stop!  Please stop!
…that looks like an aeroplane, then one…
I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!!!
…that looks like…
QUIET!!!!


… (1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10…)  Click on the Start button.
My computer just went off.
…  What did you do?
I pressed the power button like you said.
(hollow thud from head on desk, repeatedly)
Should I turn it back on?
Yes, please.
If you want it on, why did you tell me to turn it off?
I didn’t tell you to turn it off.
You told me to press the power button!
I TOLD YOU TO CLICK THE START BUTTON!
So I did!
You didn’t, you pressed the power button.
So what did you WANT me to do?
At the bottom of the screen, on that bar that keeps hiding from you, at the left-hand side, is a button.  It may even have the word ‘Start’ on it – THAT is the ‘Start’ button, and I wanted you to click on it with the mouse.
Oh.
Ok, from the menu, I want you to select ‘Control Panel.’
What’s a menu?
A menu is a list of options. When you click on the start button, the menu comes up.
So you want me to click on the start button?
Yes.
My computer just went off.
OK.  What I want you to do now is simple.
Go on.
I want you to unplug the computer, put it in a box, and take it to the dump.  Then forget this number, and never, ever, call it again.  OK?
Oh.
You got that?
Never?
Never!
What about your mum, can she call?
Yes Dad, Mum can call.

Sorry, Dad. 😉



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